I Can't

I can't. That is what I'm feeling today. I have no words. My words are failing me. I've written and rewritten this like eighty times. Still, I'm giving it a shot. I'm sorry if I fall short.

I never wanted my website or blog to be about the politics, but this isn't politics, it's us. It's the core of us and our core is sick. It has been for an exceedingly long time. We’ve been taking placebos to mask the decay at the center. We trick ourselves into thinking we're making a difference to fix things, but we’re not.

A Short Story

My mom loved to sing. She had an amazing voice. Her favorite musical was South Pacific. She knew all the words to all the songs. She would sing along with the album and at other times acapella. Her favorite was Some Enchanted Evening. Mine was Happy Talk. But there was another song on the album, You've Got To be Taught.

I remember a specific day when I was around 6 or 7 years old. At that moment, listening that time, I really heard and absorbed the words. I remember asking my mom "Do you really have to be taught those things? To hate? To see people different? She talked to me about the song. I remember her saying something about learning those things as we grow. That we aren't born with those beliefs. Then I answered her – and this is the part I have always remembered and taken to heart – I said, "then I don't want to learn those things."

Things I've Learned

I've never forgotten that little girl. I wish I could say she succeeded. That she never learned those things, but that wouldn't be the truth. You don't get to 62 and not learn things. All kinds of things, and not all of them are good. I struggle sometimes. And, sometimes I catch myself. I try to stop. I strive to see all the sides and understand. I also make mistakes.

I have learned that it takes a lot of effort to not hate. Because of my choice to not hate and my efforts to do so, I can say there are truly very few things in this world that I genuinely hate. But it happens. And sometimes that's ok.

It's ok to hate racism. It's ok to hate senseless killing and murder. It's ok to hate violence.

A Picture Worth a Thousand Tears

Amid all the news and social media coverage, I saw a picture. It stood out to me because it was so different from everything else. It didn't come with a narrative or an agenda. It was just a picture. A picture of George Floyd, holding a little girl, along-side a women. They looked happy. And I cried.

I cried for a little girl that must now grow-up without her daddy. For a woman who must now raise that little girl alone.

A Guide

I have just a few simple rules for myself.

1. Seek first to understand. In all things seek understanding first. Listen, ask questions, dig deep.
2. Everyone deserves respect. PERIOD.
3. I don't know it all. I don't have all the answers. No one does. Sometimes I think I don't have any of the answers. It's ok. That's why I seek understanding first – to learn.
4. Stop and listen. You can't get to understanding if you're talking.
5. Don't hate people. - See also, number 2.

Until next time,

Seek Understanding,

Mary